Toad Guts
by The Bloody Baron
Summary: Sorry, everyone! I had to take this down . . . Anyway, LMWPP fic, very long and very strange. Please read and review!


Toad Guts

Lily Black. That sounded nice, Lily Velvit decided as she walked through the corridors to Defense Against the Dark Arts class. Her boyfriend of two years, Sirius Black, was sure to ask her to the Yule Ball, and it was traditional for seventh years to propose at it. Some boys couldn't wait that long. Molly Pepperson, a pureblood witch in Lily's dorm, was engaged to Arthur Weasly, a Gryffindor seventh year. Another girl in her dorm, Rita Smith, the annoying gossip-spreader, was soon to become Rita Skeeter. Lily didn't think it would be that unusual for Sirius to propose. After all, they had been going steady for two years and had few fights, despite all the pranks Sirius and his best friend James Potter played on everyone, including Lily, and her best friend Patricia Tresson. Lily wished Sirius wasn't such a troublemaker. However, Sirius, usually loud, funny and mischievous, had somehow showed a soft side and persuaded James not to plant dung bombs in the seventh year girls dorm. 

In Defense Against the Dark Arts, they reviewed the Unforgivable Curses they had learned the year before. Professor Hagensplash told them gravely about Avada Kendrava, explaining no one had ever survived it, and there was no counter curse. Molly Pepperson, and Remus Lupin, the class brains, shot their hands in the air. "Yes, Miss Pepperson?" 

"Professor, when you told us about the Curses last year, I did a bit of extra research. In the restricted section, in a book, it says that if the person you love the most," She rotated her eyes to her fiancé, Arthur Weasly, who blushed and smiled sheepishly, "is about to get that curse, you can jump in front of them and mutter a few words. Your life will be taken, but your loved one will be spared."

Professor Hagensplash turned to Lupin. "Yes, Mr. Lupin? Anything to add?" he questioned.

"Yes, sir. I was, er, ill the days we spent on the Curses, so I worked very hard to catch up." James, Sirius, and Peter Pettigrew, his best friends, exchanged glances, knowing perfectly well why he was ill. "I think I stumbled upon the same book Miss Pepperson did. Added to what she said, the person you saved will have special protection for the rest of his life. It takes a very, very, powerful witch or wizard to perform the counter-curse," concluded Lupin.

"Thank you for sharing this with us, Miss Pepperson, and Mr. Lupin. About the Imperious Curse, there is a way to fight it . . ." Professor Hagensplash droned on for awhile, until finally he, with special permission from the Ministry, of course, performed the Imperious Curse on each of them. All too soon, the bell rang for next class. Lily had a perfectly normal life, except for the fact she could fight the Imperious Curse and that Severus Snape, the annoying Slytherin, gave her a smirk as they passed in the hall. However, when nothing happened to her all day, she passed it off as a Slytherin being stupid.

That night, she pulled the curtains on her four-poster and crawled into bed. Her feet hit something soft and squishy. And slimy. She screamed. The lights flicked on and Rita, Molly, and Patricia crowded around her. "What is it?" Molly demanded.

"Something slimy! At the foot of the bed!" Lily shrieked very put out. Patricia yanked off the sheets and found something mushy and brown. All three girls turned to Molly, the brain of the seventh years. Leaning over and holding her nose, Molly announced, "Lily, someone put mashed toad liver at the foot of your bed." Rita rubbed her hands together maliciously. "And Rita dear, if you dare tell anyone, we'll slaughter you."

"Hey Lily," said Patricia, while cleaning up the toad guts with a Clearing Charm. "There's a note!" 

Lily snatched up the note and read outloud, "_From your loving boyfriend. Enjoy!_" Oh, how could Sirius do such a thing?

At breakfast Lily sat across from Sirius, who sat next to James. "James," she said, flashing him a smile. "Could you please tell the idiot next to you to pass the butter?"

James, laughing, said to Sirius, "Hey idiot, pass the butter!"

"Ha ha. Very funny. Okay, what did I do?" Sirius asked Lily.

"James, tell my nearly ex-boyfriend that it is something that he knows. I don't wish to discuss it right now." Lily said to James.

James grinned, looked straight at Sirius, and said, "You should know, and she doesn't wish . . ."

He was cut off by Sirius, who snapped "I know! I have ears!" He glared at Lily, who smiled sweetly and continued eating. Peter, on his other side, passed him a note. While reading it, Sirius exploded. "What did I do?" he yelled, causing a few third years to stare at him. He brandished the note at her. Lily could make out the words on the note. It read:

Sirius Black,

You are a **JERK**! 

Signed,

__

Molly Pepperson, 

****

Patricia Tresson, and

__

The Soon-to-be** Rita Skeeter**

"What did I do to you?" he asked more quietly.

"Is that someone talking? No, it must be just the wind." Lily commented nastily. James was starting to get concerned.

"Lily, Sirius wouldn't pull any pranks on you!" he announced convincingly. 

"James, I didn't think so either." Lily replied. That moment the bell rang for first period. As she walked down the corridor with Peter, trying in vain to explain how to make Banishing Potions, Sirius grabbed her. 

"Lily, I think we need to talk," he said, gazing into her brilliant green eyes. 

"Remus, help!" she cried. "An invisible force is preventing me from moving forward!" She gave Sirius a sharp kick in the shins. Remus hurried over and pulled his friends apart. Lily strode off triumphantly and Sirius, frustrated and hurt, joined James and Peter and began to talk half-heartedly about a new prank.

For the next week, Lily checked the foot her bed every night, to make sure no toad guts were awaiting her. When nothing appeared after a week, she decided to talk to Sirius. She found him alone in the common room that night. "Look, Sirius, I forgive you," she told him. Sirius sighed.

"For the millionth time, I did nothing! To you, anyway," Sirius said, grinning evilly while remembering the Filibuster Fireworks he had put in the new Transfiguration teacher, Professor McGonagall's, hat.

"You played a trick on me a week ago," Lily said firmly. "But I like you, and you always pull pranks, so," Lily took a deep breath. "Will you go with me to the Yule Ball?"

Sirius smiled, nodded, and kissed her. As they pulled apart, Lily said goodnight and went up to her dorm. She felt something was different about that kiss. The thrill of excitement she got whenever Sirius kissed her just wasn't there. She shook off the feeling, telling herself it was only because she was still just a little bit mad about the toad guts. Of course she loved Sirius!

The day before the Yule Ball Lily went shopping with Patricia. She selected a simple green dress to match her eyes and paid two galleons for it. As she walked out of the shop she bumped into Snape. "Watch where you're going, Mudblood," he sneered at her.

"What do you want, Snape?" Lily asked mildly.

"Nothing from you, Mudblood. I was just going to buy new robes so I look good with my date to the Ball. I suppose you aren't going?" Snape smirked at her.

"As a matter of fact, I am going. With Sirius Black." Lily retorted.

Snape's face registered a look of surprise. "I thought you broke up!" he said. Seeing her suspicious look, he added, "That's what Rita Skeeter has been spreading around the school," he added hastily.

"I'll kill her!" muttered Lily. As she ran off to yell at Rita, Snape frowned and went to see the Potions Master. Meanwhile, after questioning Rita, Lily realized Snape had lied. But why? She asked herself.

That night, as she got into her pajamas, happily anticipating the Yule Ball the following day, she unwisely forgot to check for more toad guts. He feet collided with the now familiar feel of sticky, slimy, squishy substance. 

"Not again!" Lily said loudly, wincing at the feel of toad guts between her toes. Patricia and Molly leaped out of bed (Rita was talking to Edwin Skeeter, her soon-to-be husband in the common room.)

"What, more toad liver?" asked Molly jokingly.

Lily flung off the sheets. Patricia's eyes widened. For a second it looked like she was going to smile, but her face contorted into fury. "How dare Sirius!" she said angrily. "He doesn't deserve you! You forgave him, and he did it again! You should go with someone else to the Ball!"

"I will! I'll go with Remus, or Peter, or James," Lily said determinedly.

Molly gave Lily a sympathetic look and said, "Sorry to bust your bubble, but you already agreed to go with Sirius. You shouldn't break your word."

Lily sighed. She didn't want to break her word, so she would go with that dirty rat Sirius Black. No, no, Peter was the rat, Sirius was the dog, and James was the stag, if she remembered correctly.

The rest of the day passed in a daze, while Lily walked from one classroom to the next and vaguely answered questions, being continually prodded by Patricia to keep her from daydreaming about how best to get revenge on Sirius. She could steal some mashed toad liver from the Potions professor, but boys liked gross stuff like that. No, it was best to embarrass him. Preferably in front of a lot of people. She could get him mad at Snape and have them fight at the Yule Ball, but the Ball was tonight, and it would be too complicated to arrange it. Besides, Sirius liked fighting with Snape. Maybe a fight with one of the Gryffindor boys? As a brilliant plan blossomed fully in her mind, she rushed off to her dormitory as soon as classes were over to write it down.

After she had written her marvelous plan down, changed into the green gown, and added a touch of make-up, she went down to the common room to wait for Sirius. As soon as he came down in his dress robes, looking very handsome, Lily grabbed him and led him down to the Great Hall. Everyone had already started dancing, including Rita and Edwin Skeeter, Lucius Malfoy and his girlfriend Narcissa Hasden, Molly and Peter Pettigrew, (Arthur was in the hospital wing) who were not having the best time, as Molly was horrible at dancing. Lily and Sirius managed to find an empty spot on the floor and started dancing to the first song. After only two more songs Lily said abruptly, "Excuse me, I think I will go get something to eat." 

Sirius wandered over to find Remus, who had given up dancing with Patricia, who kept stepping on his feet. They talked rapidly for a few minutes until Remus glanced up, blinked, rubbed his eyes, and looked again. Sirius was very annoyed, as he was explaining in detail what he wanted to do to Filch, the new caretaker. However, when he followed Remus's gaze and saw what he was gaping at, he forgot entirely about all the Dungbombs. His jaw dropped and his fists clenched.

There, standing by the drinks and flirting with _his_ girlfriend, was James Potter. Sirius couldn't believe James was flirting with Lily. They were supposed to be best friends! He was about to walk over them and give that no good, dirty rotten, girlfriend stealer a piece of his mind, when Remus grabbed his sleeve.

"Sirius, before you go pound James into a pulp, might I remind you that Lily went over to him first? James didn't do anything." The two boys watched as James gently led Lily outside and whisper something in her ear. Lily giggled. Remus did a double take and whispered, "On the other hand, James is being a jerk. Er, you might want to go and interfere?" 

Sirius didn't need to be told twice. He strode over to where the two traitors were standing, but was blocked by a certain Molly Pepperson. "There's nothing interesting around there. Wanna dance?" she asked, propelling Sirius away from her best friend. Sirius sighed and agreed, preparing himself for very sore feet.

Meanwhile, outside, Lily was fuming. She had told Patricia and Molly her plan to get Sirius to beat up James and generally make a fool of himself. Now, Molly had stopped Sirius from coming over. Her revenge on Sirius was not complete, and she would spend the rest of her life trying to think of ways to get back at him.

"Lily?"

Lily jumped, then remembered James was there. "Yes?" she asked.

"Why aren't you with Sirius? He asked you to the Ball," James asked.

"Um, let's just say I'm not happy with him right now," Lily said delicately.

James laughed out loud. "Does this have to do with the time you weren't speaking to him a few weeks ago? And I had to be your translator?"

"Yes, sorta." Lily found herself spilling everything to James, the toad liver, how Sirius still said he hadn't played any pranks on her, how she forgave him and he still did it again, but stopped short as she was about to go into the prank she was playing.

"Oh, Lily, that must have been horrible," he said, looking her straight in the eye. "But Sirius did not do that."

"But there was a note! It said from your boyfriend. Sirius is my boyfriend. Sirius did it! Seriously!" Lily said, in a voice much louder then her own. 

"Lily, calm down!" James said. "Sirius would have told me if he played a prank on you. Besides, mashed toad guts are definitely not in the student's potions cupboard. The only way he could have got them is if he asked the Potions teacher. And Professor Snyvert hates all the students, except Snape."

"Snape." Something clicked in Lily's brain. "Snape!" she cried. "James, you're a genius! On the day I first found the toad guts, he sneered at me! In the corridor! And when I bought this dress, he thought I had broken up with Sirius because of what he did! I asked why he thought that, and he said Rita had spread it around the school! When I asked Rita, she said she didn't, so I knew Snape was lying, but I didn't know why!" She smiled triumphantly, then thought about what she had just said and frowned. "Snape put toad guts in my bed? But how did he get into Gryffindor tower, much less the girls dormitory?"

"As to that, I have no idea," James admitted. "But what about Sirius?"

Lily winced. "Poor Sirius! But I'd rather be out here with you then with him." She blushed when she heard her words. "I mean, if I tell you, you listen, if I tell him, he laughs. Not enjoyable."

James nodded. From the inside they heard soft music. James bowed. "May I have this dance?"

"But of course," Lily said regally, causing both her and James to laugh. They danced to that dance, and the one after. That one was loud and noisy and jazzy. Lily climbed up on a bench and they walked along together until the end of the bench, where James swung her down and twirled her around. He leaned forward to kiss her smack on the lips, but she turned, and he kissed her gently on the cheek. 

"Want to try again?" she asked playfully.

James pulled her towards him and kissed her full on the mouth. She kissed him right back, feeling a thrill of excitement course through her.

"James?" she asked dreamily.

"Yes?"

"Before, I wanted Sirius to propose to me. Now I'm hoping he won't."

It had been two weeks, and Lily and James hadn't told Sirius what had happened yet. In the common room one night Sirius rushed towards her. Lily prepared herself for his anger. Instead he looked nervous. 'Oh no, he's going to propose!' Lily thought wildly. Sirius looked at her.

"Lily, " he began. "We've been going together for two years, but just recently, I, er," he paused a moment. "Well, at the Yule Ball I met this girl in Ravenclaw. And I was thinking, maybe we should just be friends?"

Lily gaped at him. 

"I'm really sorry, Lily, but for a while now, I just haven't felt the same way about you. I'm hurt that you won't tell me that prank I supposedly played on you, and . . ." he glanced miserably up at her. 

Lily leapt up and said, "Just a minute!" She ran up the stairs to the boy's dormitory, leaving Sirius behind her, feeling very puzzled. An instant later she came back, dragging James behind her.

"Sirius, I feel the exact same way," she said, panting after running up and down the stairs. "In fact, James and I are going out. Right, James?"

James had been looking back and forth between Lily and Sirius, scratching his head, when he heard his name. "Hmm?"

"I said you and me are going out," Lily said impatiently. James blanched.

"Sirius, I'm really sorry, it just happened, I understand she's your girlfriend and all . . ." James said apologetically.

Both Sirius and Lily burst into laughter. James looked at his two friends and asked, "What? Did I miss something?" This only made Lily laugh harder. Sirius explained everything, adding his new girlfriend was a girl named Emma Green. Lily, who seemed determined to laugh at everything humanly possible, pointed out that they were Sirius Black and Emma Green. "If you got married," Sirius blushed. "She would be Emma Green Black!" Lily dissolved into fits of hysterical laughter, quickly controlled herself, and went to bed.

On the day of their graduation Lily breathlessly watched all her friends and enemies graduating. Amos Diggory, of Hufflepuff, Sirius Black, her ex-boyfriend, Crabbe, on of Malfoy's enormous bodyguards, Goyle, the other one, Remus Lupin, one of her best friends, Walter Lestrange, a mean Slytherin boy, Lucius Malfoy, a sneering Slytherin who was a best friend of Snape, Molly Pepperson, smiling dreamily at Arthur, Peter Pettigrew, another of her friends. Finally, James Potter, the Head Boy, her boyfriend. He walked swiftly across the platform, taking his diploma and amidst many cheers, walked off stage. Rita Smith, who was going to be Rita Skeeter the day after graduation. Severus Snape, the boy who had put toad guts in her bed and, Lily realized with a start, brought her and James together. She clapped loudly as he walked off stage. Patricia Tresson apprehensively walked up, blushing furiously as she got her diploma. And finally, Lily walked on stage.

She had been waiting for this moment for seven years, ever since she had been Sorted, and now that it was here, she felt not happy, but sad. She would be leaving the place she called home for seven years to become a witch. She smiled at the crowd cheering her, and proudly walked off stage. 

"We did it! We actually did it!" squealed Molly, as the four girls met after graduation. "We're adults!" Lily couldn't help herself. She jumped up and down excitedly with the rest of the Gryffindor seventh years. No, no, now they were graduates. James walked up to her grinning. 

"Lily, could I talk to you in private?" Patricia whistled and Lily blushed bright red. 

"Sure, James," said Lily, ignoring the snickers of her friends. He led her to an empty classroom and got down on one knee. 

"Lily, will you, er, I mean . . ." he asked awkwardly, fumbling with a green box.

Lily smiled and took the green box, opened it, and gave it back to James. "Marry you? Sure!" she said, kissing him gently. He blushed and kissed her back. She slipped the ring on her finger and walked out, grinning broadly.

"What happened?" Patricia asked curiously. Lily leaned forward and told them in a whisper. "Congratulations!" screeched Molly, hugging her. Lily looked over and saw James was getting the same reactions from his friends.

Lily jumped up. She had remembered something. She dashed down the corridor, yelling, "I'll be back in a second!" She passed Hufflepuffs, Ravenclaws, and, ah, the Slytherins. She glanced wildly among them, but he wasn't there. Walking down the rest of the corridor, she saw Severus Snape. 

"What do you want, Mudblood?" he sneered.

"You put those toad guts in my bed, didn't you," she asked looking carefully at him.

He smiled triumphantly. "Yes. But just try to tell anyone. We've graduated dunderhead. They can't give me detention, or take away points." He smirked at her.

Lily smiled and threw her arms around him. "Thank you so much!" She sped off again, leaving a bewildered Snape alone in the corridor, wondering if she had really gone crazy.

A year later . . .

"You may kiss the bride."

Lily leaned her head back to look at James. He smiled and said, "I love you."

"I love you too, James." He swept her up and kissed her.

They were married.


End file.
